"Your mouth isn't watering, it's crying for Jimmy John's."

Focus.

It's what I need right now. My mind is wandering all over the place and I know  I have to start working.

But every time I start thinking about what I have to do I panic.

And I think that I can't finish it in time. So to avoid the stress of thinking about what I have to do, I do something else.

Which makes me more stressed. It's a vicious cycle.

I had Jimmy John's yesterday. I love love love love love love Jimmy John's. Their exotic mayonnaise-type dressing/sauce/condiment they so artfully smear on my #12 Beach Club is exquisite.

And the bread oh-so-fluffy.

I do believe they could make a sandwich from wet dog fur and shrimp shells and it would taste delicious.

I can't believe my first year at ASU is almost over. It continually amazes me how much I have grown up since the start of college in fall of 2008.

I want to be in college forever, and it's already halfway over. Part of me actually wants something to go wrong with my class requirements so I have to stay an extra semester or two.

But thats a really expensive wish.

I am going to study-abroad info session on Wednesday. Spain for a semester? :)

I love everything right now. Seriously.

MADONNA INSPIRED GLEE TONIGHT.

It's going to be oh-so-awesome.

Not because I like Madonna.

But because I like Glee. And Mr. Schu and Emma are finally going to discover how much they love one another.

I am going to feel so stressed if they don't.

Nothing else exciting is happening right now. Just studying for exams. And getting a replacement phone since mine fell out of my back pocket into the toilet on Saturday.

Lame. Who else would that happen to?

I love Caroline!

She is the best lady in the whole wide world!

I almost had a heart attack but I am okay now.

Finally finished with our powerpoint presentation for tomorrow! I was done almost an hour ago but I lost the file and thought I was going to have to start all over.

I am so glad I found it! I spent several hours on it and having to start over would have been ridiculously stressful, especially because I needed to make sure my group members would have time to look over it in the morning before our 9:00 lab.

Hallelujah!

This past weekend was wonderful. Lots of sunshine and walking around outside and enjoying the good weather. Court and Kristen and I went up to Price Lake and hiked and then laid out by the water for a while. Court was brave enough to jump all the way in but I only got a little over my waist before I was too numb to keep wading out.

Except for the part where I slipped on the bank and I fell into the lake. It was a true banana peel slip too. And I looked like I had pooped all over my bathing suit bottoms.

Today was a really happy day. I have been in such a creative mood - it's like my brain operates  by photosynthesis or something. All of this sunshine is transforming my brain chlorophyll into glucose and fresh oxygen! C6H12O6 and 6O2!

I love it.

Time to get ready for bed. I have to get up early so I look nice for my presentation! Night :)

This Weekend Is Going To Be A Delectable Treat.

Developing callouses on my hands used to seem gross.

But now it is awesome. They make me feel powerful. Like yeah, that's right. I have mutilated my fingers enough that they are developing INVINCIBILITY. Eat that, climbing wall!

I've also been playing guitar a lot more often too. I am sure my neighbors love me, especially because I keep struggling through the same Michelle Branch song over and over.

But tonight I decided to mix it up a little bit and try to play some Eagles.

Also a struggle. But I will prevail.

I wish I could take lessons this coming fall and I looked up the 1 credit hour courses but they are at times that are impossible to work into my schedule.

This summer would be tricky too because I think I am going to be working a lot.

But some day I will wail mercilessly on the acoustic and send everyone around me into orbit with my sweet jamz.

And then I will climb a smooth 50 story building using nothing but my toes and my pinkies.

Speaking of, who came up with that word? Pinkies? I feel like these digits should have a more dignified title...those things are really useful.

I need to finish the Harry Potter series. I am now on Year 7. It is sooo intenssssse.

There are so many things clamoring for my attention I am simply at a loss for how I am going to complete my school work this weekend.

What's that, Dr. Brewer? You want me to finish the Return of the Native instead of sleeping until noon tomorrow and then hiking a glorious trail off the parkway and bouldering and reading Harry Potter and playing outside in the sun?!?!

I'm sorry, sir. You are really a cool guy, and I think you are a great professor.

But the great outdoors are beckoning me....and I am very weak.

I am planning to succumb.

Crossroads.

Decisions. 

I hate making them. 

I hate the thought of having my life dictated by someone else even more, but sometimes I wish I had someone to tell me what to do.

But every once in a while - for whatever reason - I feel like I get a good kick in the pants and it propels me, for better or for worse, in one direction or another.

Maybe it's the spring weather. Last time this year I had a similar experience at High Point, which culminated in a good cry with Caroline and a long list of resolutions.

Maybe it's just major life changes. I have had my heart pretty well beat up over the past year and a half, and made myself promises I had no right to make and wasn't sure I could keep.

But oh, how much I have learned. They say experience is the best teacher, but I do wish she could be more gentle.

I think my conscious probably resembles my knees after spring break. 

At times I don't even recognize myself. Where did the Jordan who came to ASU just eight short months ago disappear? Did I lose myself? Or am I finding who I really am?

Sometimes I wonder if this rapid rate of change will continue after I graduate from college - it's exhausting, and it makes me kind of sad.

But I am glad, too. I am glad that I am not stagnant and bent about my ways. I am glad I am flexible and understanding and that I try to empathize, or at least sympathize with others. I am glad that even though it's hard sometimes I have to deliberate and that I am indecisive because that means I care enough to hurt so I can get "it".

Whatever "it" is. 

And I am realizing that it's okay to fall in love with myself, with my nuances and my quirks and my double-standards and my imperfections.

And as trite as it sounds, the God of the universe fell enough in love with me to move into the neighborhood and get to know me, so why shouldn't I learn to see what He sees in me?

I think sometimes it is okay to be good to myself and cut myself some slack. I don't expect other people to be perfect, so why do I expect that from myself?

The only person that's stopping me from being happy is me. I have set standards and expectations for who I should be/where I ought to be/what I should be doing that I don't have to have and I don't need to keep.

And since I've gotten another kick in the pants, I'm going to choose where I'm going this time around.

It's going to be good.