My brain is a pinball machine.

I need to find a job because I am thinking too much.

Confessions of a Pack-Rat

I cleaned out all of my drawers today. And my closet, and my desk, and my bookshelf.  I laughed a lot and teared up a bit looking back at everything that has happened since I hit adolescence. In between the cracks of pictures and prom shoes and CDs and presents I caught glimpses of a person I have been waiting to become. It's exhilarating and frightening at the same time.

Things that used to be bitter have become so sweet, and it's hard to hold the life that squeezes out and taste all the goodness of living. It's true; memories turn better as they age.

This weekend I went to my cousin's college graduation and I watched my grandma tearing up while Sara walked across the stage.  One of the reasons I love my grandma so much is because she is like an extra catch for all of the wonderful things I am so guilty of letting slip through my fingers. I know I have a lot less experience and and long way to go, but I think this afternoon I felt some of the things maybe she was feeling yesterday afternoon - happiness over things that I never dreamed I'd miss and sadness over the things I know that I always will.

It kind of reminds me of a conversation I had with Caroline earlier this year after she came back from watching a really heart-breaking documentary about brothels in India. While she was walking to her room feeling incredibly depressed, she ran into some university singers harmonizing in the ASU tunnel. Abrupt transitions between pain and beauty are always pretty surreal, and she said the experience was crazy. I don't know why things happen this way, exactly. Maybe because pain is something we are subjected to and beauty is something we choose to make in spite of pain...whatever the reason, the juxtaposition of the two can be mind-boggling. Like when you're on your way home after a mind-numbingly stressful day and you pass a car with little kids in the backseat and they smile and wave like little kids do, and suddenly it becomes harder to remember why you were even upset to begin with. There are many hard things in life, but there are softer things too. And they can make life so good, if you let them.

After my purging frenzy today my bedroom at home looks like an adult's, for the most part. But I still have remnants of my childhood laying around (Shel Silverstein and Ken Follett are hanging out on the same row of my bookshelf) and it's a funny feeling being caught between a woman and a girl.

Living is full of gray areas, but I am learning to embrace them.

I know I have rambled rather a lot this evening. I hope you all will forgive me; I have a lot on my mind. I also have an interview tomorrow for a job so I need to get in bed. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I love all of you :)

A trip back to senior year :) I love this guy.

3:15 AM

Fall into me like

Rain into a cistern

Shine white

Through the prism

Fashioned by your grace

In the quiet I listen

And wait for your mercy

Overwhelm me like

Green whispers

On the first days of spring

I know I’m not who I should be

I’m foolish like a child

And stubborn with

The rage of a tyrant

Fall into me like

Love covers lies

I won’t waste time

Two bare feet on the dashboard.

I feel like I have neglected by blog recently.

I promise I will update soon, but I am so tired of writing after my last exam I don't know if I am capable of forming coherent sentences.

My first day of summer begins tomorrow <3