Crossroads.

Decisions. 

I hate making them. 

I hate the thought of having my life dictated by someone else even more, but sometimes I wish I had someone to tell me what to do.

But every once in a while - for whatever reason - I feel like I get a good kick in the pants and it propels me, for better or for worse, in one direction or another.

Maybe it's the spring weather. Last time this year I had a similar experience at High Point, which culminated in a good cry with Caroline and a long list of resolutions.

Maybe it's just major life changes. I have had my heart pretty well beat up over the past year and a half, and made myself promises I had no right to make and wasn't sure I could keep.

But oh, how much I have learned. They say experience is the best teacher, but I do wish she could be more gentle.

I think my conscious probably resembles my knees after spring break. 

At times I don't even recognize myself. Where did the Jordan who came to ASU just eight short months ago disappear? Did I lose myself? Or am I finding who I really am?

Sometimes I wonder if this rapid rate of change will continue after I graduate from college - it's exhausting, and it makes me kind of sad.

But I am glad, too. I am glad that I am not stagnant and bent about my ways. I am glad I am flexible and understanding and that I try to empathize, or at least sympathize with others. I am glad that even though it's hard sometimes I have to deliberate and that I am indecisive because that means I care enough to hurt so I can get "it".

Whatever "it" is. 

And I am realizing that it's okay to fall in love with myself, with my nuances and my quirks and my double-standards and my imperfections.

And as trite as it sounds, the God of the universe fell enough in love with me to move into the neighborhood and get to know me, so why shouldn't I learn to see what He sees in me?

I think sometimes it is okay to be good to myself and cut myself some slack. I don't expect other people to be perfect, so why do I expect that from myself?

The only person that's stopping me from being happy is me. I have set standards and expectations for who I should be/where I ought to be/what I should be doing that I don't have to have and I don't need to keep.

And since I've gotten another kick in the pants, I'm going to choose where I'm going this time around.

It's going to be good.