An Acrostic Poem About Procrastination

Pickle beets
rig a teepee
obstruct doorways
crack nuts
recycle
attain enlightenment
solve world hunger
tip a cow
invent new board games
note attractive men
apply lotion
tease my hair
invent the wheel
organize my paper clips
nibble some cheese

There are so many better things to do right now than read Frankenstein and write a poem in Spanish about Friendship Day.

Like a Broken Cup.

So this whole twenty thing is weird.

I guess Caroline turning twenty kind of made me realize that I am twenty. And when you are twenty you are expected to act like an adult and you're treated like an adult and you have to make adult decisions.

And it's almost 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep and I have to fix it myself. I'd want to be five instead of twenty and be allowed to go sleep in my parents room.

But I'm not five and and I'm away at school and all I have is a computer and a room mate who is snoozing peacefully. And a head full of questions and confusion and an awful lot of regrettable things.

I went to Chapel Hill this weekend and it was so weird. I had always imagined it being a different sort of place than it was. I kind of wonder if I didn't make a mistake when I decided where to go to college.

Obviously High Point was a mistake. What if I had gone to UNC before I made my commitment to HPU? Or what if I had transferred there instead of Appalachian? Would I be any happier or any less confused?

Maybe. So much of what I have experienced these past two years that has made me who I am would have never happened. But I don't even really know who that is so does it matter?

I don't like having my identity tied to other people. And I think that has really been a theme over the course of my college career thus far. High school too, I guess. But who are we if we are not conglomerations of one another?

Do I really exist as a separate entity? Sometimes I don't feel like I do. I feel like I am just pieces of other people all jumbled up and  who I am rests on who they percieve this jumbled up mess to be.

Until it's 5:35 in the morning and I am up blogging on the internet with no one to talk to feeling so alone that it stings a little and there's no one here to remind me of who I am.

My room mate is so funny when she just wakes up. She just got out of bed to go to the restroom. I think the light of my computer threw her off a little because she stumbled over to my bed and squinted at me and said, "Hey, how are ya?" before she stumbled into the hallway.

Sometimes in the morning when she hasn't quite woken up yet she will make eye contact with me and glare a bit. It can get a little disconcerting when she scowls too. Especially if she lets out a really deep sigh.

Homerow keys are really hard to see in the dark.

I need to try to go back to sleep. I am going to church and I have to get up in three hours.

Wish me luck.

Yeah, that's right. I have been Caroline's best friend for 1/4 of her life.

Court made cookies last night and we sang Happy Birthday to Caroline at midnight.

She is my favorite best friend in the entire world!

Spontaneous trip to Chapel Hill for the evening and coming back tomorrow night in time for Carol's birthday party at six. It will be so good to get out of this  nasty, nasty weather. And see friends.

I need to go to Coltrane and pick up my replacement phone. It's finally here! 

Time to leave. It's almost one.

Disappointment.

Disappointment is an awful feeling.

Like really, really, really awful.

I have felt so much of it the last couple of weeks and I don't like it because I hate self-pity and I don't like thinking about myself all of the time.

I think about being someone who experiences disappointment on a daily basis and I can see why its so easy to slip into bad habits and relationships and make poor decisions. Especially if you feel this way all of the time, and especially if you don't believe in anything bigger.

I like learning about other people and how they feel but I like textbooks better than life-lessons. But you know what they say about experience being the best teacher.

I think my blog entries for the past week have all been kind of depressing and I'm sorry. I don't want to be a downer.

I am debating whether or not to go climbing after class today. I have an interview for Appolcorps at 6:45 and I am going to Younglife at 8:30 so I know I can't go to tonight. But if I go this afternoon I think I might be by myself. And when you are by yourself and look like an idiot it's more embarrassing than looking like an idiot with someone else.

But I need some stress relief and I don't really feel like running today.

So maybe I'll climb. Or at least take a change of clothes to class in case I decide that's what I want to do.

Courtney helped me find some really really discounted climbing shoes online and Dad is going to help me get them. I am so so so excited for spring break. It will be super nice to get away for a while and chill out.

I need to clean my room. It has gotten pretty messy since I came back Sunday evening.

Leaving for class early so I can get a snack. And maybe be on time for once to this class I so desperately hate.

Make me work.

I am so lazy.

I have been sitting on my bed for two hours playing on the computer and looking at climbing shoes and avoiding doing an extensive amount of homework.

It is almost midnight and I still have a response paper to write and I need to study for my Spanish quiz and read for two classes! Ah!!

And I need to shower at some point because my feet smell like the climbing shoes at the SRC. And we all know how I feel about getting germs on my sheets.

Speaking of climbing, I have NO upper body strength. Like zero. None. But hopefully that will improve over the next couple of weeks.

I'm also hungry. I think I'll have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Caroline's birthday is this week! It's going to be sooooo much fuuun!!!

Okay I seriously have to do some work now.

Sedative needed.

Just returned from lab and I am already back in my pajama pants. I know it is almost 11 am on a Tuesday but please don't judge me. I have several points to legitimize this decision.

1. I haven't made my bed and I don't like wearing street clothes when I sit on the sheets. I don't know why but I feel like my butt is some sort of germ magnet and loads of snot from sneezing classmates and and grimy hands and whatnot are covering my jeans after class. I do not want these on or near my face.

2. I am seriously contemplating a nap. Billy and Kristin avoided doing their homework until 3:00 am in my room this morning and my lack of sleep is catching up with me.

3. The pants that Caroline gave me for my 19th birthday are clean. And they are super fluffy and loose and comfortable and I like them. Sadly, I have finally reached the age where I feel like it is no longer appropriate for me to wear pajama pants to class, so their use is restricted to my room.

Transition:

I have run across a problem.

And my problem is that there are too many problems for me to fix. How am I supposed to simultaneously prevent the extinction of the Orangutan while also conserving energy and water and feeding hungry people and fighting poverty and taking care of the environment and working to improve the image of the Church and eating healthy food and buying clothes that don't exploit children and making good grades and making good friends and forming a relationship with a potential future spouse and reading and becoming politically aware and bridging societal barriers and finding time to exercise and enjoy life at least a little bit?

And what about all the little stuff, like making sure I shower occasionally and listen to music and wash my clothes and hammock and have dance parties and clean the microwave and put lotion on my skin so I don't look like an alligator?

And what about blogging? And the nap I'd really like to take?

What about contemplating my existence? And the existence of everyone else?

And what about the existence of the Universe? And what about God and stuff?

I don't like feeling like there are more people who don't care than more people who do care. Especially in college, where a lot of people are well informed enough to know there are bad things going on but too self-absorbed to do anything about them.

But there are lots of wonderful, caring, responsible people out there too. Why can't all of them come out of hiding?!

Yeah okay I am going to take that nap now. I need to sleep off some frustration.

Hunger.

I need to eat something but finding the motivation to get up and make something and then wash dishes is difficult.

I haven't had any real food since Saturday afternoon.

But I have had like six muffins. And two packages of cookies. And some White Cheddar Cheezits. So I'm not starving, exactly. But I am pretty hungry.

I wonder what it would feel like to be hungry all of the time? I know a lot of people are. Is the same kind of hunger pain I feel the same kind of hunger pain they feel?

That might sound like a dumb question, but I really do wonder about the answer. I could fast for a few days but the whole time I would know I had the option of eating whenever I wanted to.

So is the physical manifestation of voluntary hunger the same as involuntary? Or does the psychology behind knowing you don't have anything to eat make a difference? I don't know.

Part of me is glad about this and part of me is bothered. I'm really fortunate because I have never had to worry about whether or not I would be able to eat.

But even if its hard sometimes I really do want to be able to identify with where other people hurt. And being hungry isn't something I feel I can fully understand because I always have access to food.

But this is definitely a glass-half-full situation.

Last semester I read a book about the Lost Boys of Sudan in my First Year Seminar class. And about how they starved across the desert, and so many of them died.

Sometimes when I am in the cafeteria at ASU I imagine that I am one of them and try to feel what they would feel if they saw all of the food we have. And not just that we have enough, but that we are allowed to be selective.

It's really overwhelming and I think I am being naive. I don't want to make hungry people into "others". They are, after all, still as human as I am. And we share a lot in common. They are just hungry. And probably scared.

But I get scared too, of different things. And I think each of these things we are afraid of carry their own pain. Is this even making sense right now? Am I rambling? I think I am, a bit.

Probably a lot, actually.

Anyway, the point is. I want to open myself and soak everything in and even if I never experience everything because I can't I want to know it and feel it and appreciate hunger and thirst and want and plenty and love.

It's almost time for class.

I think I need to eat a sandwich.

Orange-Mocha Frappacinos!

I think we might have a new dog at home.

A stray showed up at our house last night around 10. I found her outside on the porch when I went to get my laundry hamper out of the car. She's a really pretty Husky with bright blue eyes and probably one of the sweetest dogs in the world.

Please just look at her and try to tell me that she is not one of the cutest dogs you have ever seen.

I want, want, want to keep her.

In my room at school.

But I can't, so I will settle for having her back at home. Dad is calling the shelter tomorrow to see if anyone is looking for her. I need to come up with a name for her before my brother does. I named the cat I rescued over the summer Mr. Darcy after the guy in Pride and Prejudice, but when I came home for fall break I found out that he had been renamed Rex. For Catasaurus Rex, that is. 

This dog is too pretty to become an object of ridicule so I must come to her aid.

Poor Rex. I am afraid it's too late for him.

I want to name her Hermione but I think my brother is going to veto this because he doesn't love Harry Potter. I just called mom to tell her that she had to implement this decision immediately and was informed by my father that they were asleep when I called.

Oops. I didn't realize it was after ten.

But mom said they hadn't decided yet...so WIN.

I went on a glorious hike this weekend in Pisgah Forest while I was home. And then had Mexican. And last night I watched Say Anything (I think I am a little in love with Lloyd Dobler now)  and Zoolander with Remington.

And mom made me  hazelnut coffee AND muffins. She is awesome.

I had a nice drive with dad this weekend too. He is  also equally cool.

Hopefully Rem is going to come up and ski with me soon. I am going snowboarding this week at some point if it works out. And rock-climbing at the SRC for sure.

I need to start reading for my Lit. class tomorrow.

Life is good.