Like a Broken Cup.

So this whole twenty thing is weird.

I guess Caroline turning twenty kind of made me realize that I am twenty. And when you are twenty you are expected to act like an adult and you're treated like an adult and you have to make adult decisions.

And it's almost 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep and I have to fix it myself. I'd want to be five instead of twenty and be allowed to go sleep in my parents room.

But I'm not five and and I'm away at school and all I have is a computer and a room mate who is snoozing peacefully. And a head full of questions and confusion and an awful lot of regrettable things.

I went to Chapel Hill this weekend and it was so weird. I had always imagined it being a different sort of place than it was. I kind of wonder if I didn't make a mistake when I decided where to go to college.

Obviously High Point was a mistake. What if I had gone to UNC before I made my commitment to HPU? Or what if I had transferred there instead of Appalachian? Would I be any happier or any less confused?

Maybe. So much of what I have experienced these past two years that has made me who I am would have never happened. But I don't even really know who that is so does it matter?

I don't like having my identity tied to other people. And I think that has really been a theme over the course of my college career thus far. High school too, I guess. But who are we if we are not conglomerations of one another?

Do I really exist as a separate entity? Sometimes I don't feel like I do. I feel like I am just pieces of other people all jumbled up and  who I am rests on who they percieve this jumbled up mess to be.

Until it's 5:35 in the morning and I am up blogging on the internet with no one to talk to feeling so alone that it stings a little and there's no one here to remind me of who I am.

My room mate is so funny when she just wakes up. She just got out of bed to go to the restroom. I think the light of my computer threw her off a little because she stumbled over to my bed and squinted at me and said, "Hey, how are ya?" before she stumbled into the hallway.

Sometimes in the morning when she hasn't quite woken up yet she will make eye contact with me and glare a bit. It can get a little disconcerting when she scowls too. Especially if she lets out a really deep sigh.

Homerow keys are really hard to see in the dark.

I need to try to go back to sleep. I am going to church and I have to get up in three hours.

Wish me luck.