For My Dad

I can remember how much

bigger you were when I was small
and the way your fingers would
swallow my hand when we walked.
It was hard to keep up

with your long, leggy stride.

Your mustache was trimmed to perfection,
and one time while you were shaving

in the bathroom I saw you cry.

The radio was playing a song about

how little girls have to grow up, and I watched

the hairs in the sink spread where tears fell.

Once a month you had to go away for your job.
If it was summer time, Mom and I came too,

and while you were at work I would play.

I scraped knees climbing cannon ball statues
and running through the Pineapple Fountain
in Battery Park.

Once a year we ate hotdogs

with other families whose dads were in your unit.
You loved convincing me to sing
“I’m Proud to be an American”
for the other basemen – it wasn’t hard;

I always liked receiving your attention.

During the school year when mom had to work,
we couldn’t come to Charleston with you.
You used your absence as an excuse
to expand your childhood Hot Wheels collection
(I can remember how you were disappointed

when I asked for Barbie clothes instead).

When you brought me cars anyway,

you did make sure to pick out colors
little girls were supposed to like.
My favorite was the hot-pink Monster Truck,

from that time you took me to a show and made me

wear your over-sized ear protectors from the shooting range.

One day when I was seven,

Remington and I left our toys in the drive-way.

The Blazer, oblivious to our belongings,
crunched them into the gravel.

I could not reassemble my truck;
it was a broken mess of bright plastic and metal.

Things are different now.

While you shine your gun collection
I plot ways to send it toward space,
where pressure could cause bullets to burst.
Then the heat of the atmosphere

could burn them to bits as they fell.

I do not understand

your commitment to protecting Our Way of Life

with war. You would die for our country.

I would die if only for a pocket of peace,

even if that place was not in the United States.

These are the thoughts that are keeping me awake.

Sometimes in these moments, when I can’t rest at night,
I'll steal a pillow from your bed like I did when

you left home and I couldn't come with you.
The lingering smells of bar soap and softened grease,

WD-40 and plane exhaust,

can still lull me to sleep.

Now that I am grown up,

I don't always agree with you and sometimes

we argue. I know we can't always understand each other,

but you are part of why I am who I am.

Thank you for still loving me and for letting me be

the reason you cried over the bathroom sink.

In Search of Christianity and Authentic Love.

Life at ASU has been so crazy lately that it's been hard to keep up. Things are going really well; I'm involved, I am making new friends, I am trying so many new things. I am beginning to feel like an adult. I turn 21 in a little over 2 weeks. I begin a new R.A. position tomorrow. I'm finally actually picking up guitar. 

Everything has been going so perfectly, it's become too easy for me to center my life around things outside of Christ. And while it makes me feel good about "me", it hasn't really made me feel that great about anything else. 

I have this problem. I want to make everyone I like happy, I want everyone to respect me, I want to be taken seriously, I don't want to be a joke. I don't want people assume things about me that aren't true. I think that I sometimes downplay who I am and what I believe because I don't want to be lumped with the crazies....scratch that. I know I do.

I think one of the most beautiful (and frustrating) things about the way God has been shaping me over the past two decades is that I am always stuck in the middle. I don't have a place I "belong". I love my home and my family, but my ideologies no longer reflect the ones that typically characterize my hometown. I love my school and my friends, but there will always be a part of me that will never be able to understand why and how they operate the way they do. At home I get raised eyebrows and teased and labeled liberal because of what I am passionate about. Or just strange looks. At school, most people who find out I am a Christian assume that I am bigoted and Republican, or that I burn Korans in my free time.

I am president of Peace Club. Of the active members, I am one of two Christians. On one hand, that's great. It is wonderful to be able to interact with people with whom I can have interesting debates and stimulating conversations, especially when they are also passionate about peace. 

On the other hand, it's completely heart-breaking. And what's even more heart-breaking is that  people on campus who openly label themselves as Christ-followers respond with ridiculous statements like, "Christ could be violent too, you know," when I ask them if they are interested in helping Peace Club plan events. 

I know that I am not alone in my passion for peace and mercy and justice in the name of Christ, but at a secular school it's really hard not to feel that way sometimes. I keep waiting to meet people on campus who are in the same boat as myself. There are 15,000 students here....

Where is the Church? Where is the Church?

Where is the Church??

Skin

As my flesh wakes I
slip out of mind and into you,
oh  fragile sleeve - you
who sweetly surrender to curve
of muscle and bone.

Your tight fibers that wind around
my eyes and loose lips,
the cracks of my stiffened fingers,
gently stretch themselves
over broken veins and bad joints.

Tenderly you hold
the memories and mishaps of

trips, rips, risen scars;

to you they are bound.

You forgive, and mend to forget.

How quickly you yield

to make room for my harsh requests,

to take on demands.

Modeling generosity,

you never complain.

When summer comes your pigment blooms,

and peeling valleys, 

filled with freckle-dust, paper your

creases with sand-shaves.

Your folds never discriminate.

You have given much,
merciful membrane, that the whole
of life incarnate
should choose you as Love's pure vessel,
Divine sack for grace.

Solid sheet-wrap of timorous

flesh, you caress my

quiet thoughts so tenderly.
Dear skin, you are the
earth, sky and muddy water who
make their home my own.

Blackbird Singin' in the Dead of Night

I suppose I could apologize for not updating recently, but to do so would mean that I am going to have to apologize every time I blog. And I don't want to have to apologize for whatever I'm not obligated to do...this should be enjoyable, not aggravating. So from now on, no more apologies in regards to my sporadic posting...I will just post when I can/feel like it/etc.

A couple of weeks ago I had my nose pierced. It has been a bit swollen lately and today the ring fell out entirely. I tried unsuccessfully to put it back in for over an hour, but to no avail. The good news is I am developing an immunity to blood and light injuries. The first time I tried to put the ring back in I almost passed out, but that didn't happen when I tried again later. I have yet to decide whether or not I will re-pierce - I did like it, but I don't want to risk infection. It also made my nose itch terribly, and I like being able to scratch without wincing (of course I'm sure after it healed it wouldn't be painful). At any rate, I need to at least let my nose heal completely...it's going to be a month or so, at least.

Today I realized that every person I have ever dated is in a relationship. I have been reminding myself that being single right now is good for me, that I am getting a lot accomplished by not having to worry about a relationship, that it would just be a distraction and it would get in the way. All of these things are true, but it still doesn't completely eradicate the twinge of loneliness that invariably creeps around when I am with others who are dating. It's especially depressing when I see people I used to care about romantically in happy relationships. It's easy to tell myself that I need to be content without all of these peripheral things, but that doesn't change the fact that it's mind-numbingly difficult to rejoice when my friends meet someone they care about or that I am occasionally jealous. It is entirely true that none of the people I have dated would have been individuals with whom I could have created a sustainable lifestyle. There is no specific person to miss or pine for. I'm just kind of lonely.

I am trying to keep myself busy. Sometimes I think I am spread too thinly. Rarely a day passes in which I don't have some sort of meeting or function to attend after classes end; this semester has also been the most challenging that I have had thus far as a college student. It's not necessarily that the work is terribly difficult as much as it is that there is always something to be done. Between study abroad and my language requirements for Global Studies I feel like maybe the things that I love or that generate excitement in my life are becoming tedious. That's the last thing I want...at some point this week I am going to go talk to my advisor about course schedules and perhaps modifying my academic focus areas.

Reading over this entry makes me realize that I probably sound a wee bit down in the dumps. Momentarily, perhaps. I am having a good school year, though. There are lots of wonderful, lovely things going on in my life right now. I promise that the next time I post it will be less disjointed and more uplifting. It is nice to say what's really on your mind, though.

I should try to get some rest. I don't have class until 3:00 tomorrow, but I do have a lab report to write and some errands to run.

Blessings, 

Jordan

Invitation to a more fulfilled human existence.

You must learn to love Thad Cockrell as I love Thad Cockrell.

In Hope of Peace

Oh this weary, weary heart of mine

By world’s strong pull employed

Begins to lose its faith in Thee

And open rend a void

Oh this weary, weary mind of mine

Its will so weak and slow

That heaven’s lights seem far away

And oh my soul so low

Lord my God you have not yet

Failed to woo this heart of mine

Call me, cleanse me, love me still

Hold fast and make me Thine

Thy love, Thy love it is so wide

and jealous for my praise

I long to change and be your child

To be your hands always

Thy grace, Thy grace it has the power

To mend my broken frame

That I may go and share Thy love

And bless Thy holy name

New Love.

Sometimes following Christ can really kick me in the butt.

Like when I don’t practice what I preach. Like when I complain and gossip and do things I shouldn’t (or don’t do things I should). Like being complimented for work I didn’t realize I was doing because my heart wasn’t in the right place.

The gospel has a beautiful way of ruining my life in the best way possible, even amidst my groaning and griping and general grouchiness. I have never felt so stripped of any general responsibility for a successful mission trip (the pretentious Christian in me fights including the very word “mission”, because it can carry connotations so estranged from the story of Christ that it repulses me. Is “pretentious Christian” an oxymoron?).

 I remember when I was younger I was always told that God uses those least capable but most available. I don’t think I have ever quite understood that until this past week, and I don’t think I have ever felt so palpably the hand of God at work in my own life. When I sowed, I sowed resentfully. When I plowed, I plowed with a diminished sense of purpose. But God saw, in His goodness, a way to grow my feeble, failing seed. Around my aggravation and discontent, His instructions regarding the work of the Church caused hope to blossom in the lives of the people I worked with in Alabama this past week.

How else can I explain what I have learned than as the handiwork of God? When a black boy asks a white girl in my youth group what color she is while they play together, what else can my response be but gratitude for the Love we have all been shown?

 It is not the sentimental, capitalistic, American, machine-gun toting Jesus who captivates me. It is the homeless Jesus, the stateless Jesus, the barrier-destroying, prostitute-and-tax-collector hugging, peace-loving Jesus.

It is only by reading and learning and living and imitating the gospel that the power and presence of God is made manifest in our personal lives. That God is a lover of relationships is evidence of His enchantment with human interaction as a means to communicate His presence. How wonderful a God we could discover if only we would learn to live uncomfortably in a casual, complacent world, and enter into the sufferings and joys of others.

I find myself fighting daily battles with my own selfishness and rejection of this idea. Paying lip service to this idea and really knowing what it is to live sacrificially are two completely different things. I love what Stanley Hauerwas says about his faith, though – that it is by writing that he learns to believe, and that only by articulating his thoughts is he capable of cultivating an understanding of the divine. I’d like to think the same thing of myself, or rather know that it’s okay for this to also be true of myself. Faith does not come naturally for me as it does for some, and the divorce of doctrine from direction only intensifies my confusion.

I feel like I should apologize for spouting so many personal things online, especially when I consider that many people who read this may be uncomfortable with organized faith or religious persuasions in general. But I have to trust that, given that this is a sort of on-line journal, it’s okay for me to make some of my private thoughts public. If I have offended anyone I am deeply apologetic – not for what I believe, but rather for whatever I have said that has made my faith out to be something that it is not.

I have to get some sleep – I begin working for Cliff tomorrow morning. Much love and peace, and a restful night’s sleep to all.

T-4 Days

Today my family went to Damascus, VA to ride on the Creeper Trail for Dad's birthday. Yes, I know this makes us all sound like pedophiles. It's a 14 mile ride downhill (which is fantastic) through parts of the National Forest and it was absolutely beautiful.

Until we got caught in a flash flood.

This would be more amusing had the forecast been for clear skies. No, dear reader. The Weather Channel very clearly alerted us that an afternoon thunderstorm was certain to strike the area. Because my family never has normal outings (last year we went canoeing and all of us flipped out on placid water) we decided to go anyway.

What the Weather Channel didn't say was that we were going to be in an absolute deluge, complete with spattering hail.

It began raining around mile seven after we had eaten lunch at the halfway point, and mom commented that the clouds behind us made the sky look "just like tornada alley!!". The drizzle wasn't bad at first, but the monsoon that followed was blinding. The trail flooded - there were several places where we biked through water about a half a foot deep - and it was raining so hard dad and I had to keep stopping to adjust our contact lenses so they wouldn't fall out of our eyes. The situation became even more comical when mom made me get off the bike and get under a tree because "bikes are made of metal" and I could be struck by lightening! By this point all we could do was laugh - mom had mud running down her face and neck and her legs were completely black. By the time we got back to the car all of us were completely covered with it. I mean completely. I had to shampoo my hair twice when we got home and put on my glasses so I could get the dirt out of my eyes.

Needless to say it was a good adventure. Spending time with the family is never boring for sure - and on the ride home I couldn't help but think about how cool it is that we can do something like that together and laugh about it afterwards. My family is fun, especially when we also get to stop for coffee :)

I can't believe DYA is almost here! We're having another family adventure tomorrow while dad is on vacation (maybe canoeing again? oh dear...) and I have a nine-hour shift at work Wednesday. Thursday I will pack and prepare to leave early Friday morning for the most wonderful place in the world!!

I am so excited about making dinosaur door tags for my residents. They are going to be AWESOME.

Risk = Hazard + Outrage

First of all, I’m sorry my blog has been spastically morphing for the past month or so. I’m finally figuring out how to play with the settings and I know it’s obnoxious. I’ll stop soon – promise. It’s been ugly for so long and now that I have discovered hotbliggityblog.com I can’t keep my cursor from clicking all of the layout schemes. It’s a disorder; don’t judge me.  

If you haven’t noticed, awesome. Forget that I ever admitted how obsessive I have been about my blog skin and assume that it has always existed in its present form.

Second of all, I finally have work for the entire summer! I’m so relieved. I’ll begin training at Old Navy this Saturday and I’ll be working there in between commitments to Duke Youth Academy and Timothy Project. Only two and a half weeks until DYA is here!! I’m so excited it’s insane.  

Speaking of insane, I need a tranquilizer, preferably with an extra strong shot of consistency and/or routine. I’m down with all the new experiences I’m having but my brain needs to play recovery. Bouncing back and forth from home and school (I was in Boone this weekend with Caroline and Elizabeth) is keeping me incredibly confused about this whole child/adult thing. It’s so weird because essentially I am responsible for doing everything for myself, but all of my financial ties are still with my parents. I do my own laundry, but they give me the quarters, if that can be applied in a broader sense.

I’m certainly not complaining about having to be a dependant. I’m really blessed to have parents that are willing to help me out whenever they can even though I am technically an adult. And it’s also great that I get to have a transition period where I can have freedom to do things on my own but still have mom and dad as a safety net. All the same I am still in a bit of a funk.

When I was thinking about blogging earlier today I had lots of interesting things to say, and now it seems as though they have escaped me. I’m reading Freakonomics and a book about immigration reform and by brain is boiling over with ideas that I can’t fanaggle into sentences yet. I’m in the process of training my brain to think instead of obsess so anything I try to say will be nothing more than incoherent babbling at this point.

Surprise, surprise. This is nothing new. 

My brain is a pinball machine.

I need to find a job because I am thinking too much.

Confessions of a Pack-Rat

I cleaned out all of my drawers today. And my closet, and my desk, and my bookshelf.  I laughed a lot and teared up a bit looking back at everything that has happened since I hit adolescence. In between the cracks of pictures and prom shoes and CDs and presents I caught glimpses of a person I have been waiting to become. It's exhilarating and frightening at the same time.

Things that used to be bitter have become so sweet, and it's hard to hold the life that squeezes out and taste all the goodness of living. It's true; memories turn better as they age.

This weekend I went to my cousin's college graduation and I watched my grandma tearing up while Sara walked across the stage.  One of the reasons I love my grandma so much is because she is like an extra catch for all of the wonderful things I am so guilty of letting slip through my fingers. I know I have a lot less experience and and long way to go, but I think this afternoon I felt some of the things maybe she was feeling yesterday afternoon - happiness over things that I never dreamed I'd miss and sadness over the things I know that I always will.

It kind of reminds me of a conversation I had with Caroline earlier this year after she came back from watching a really heart-breaking documentary about brothels in India. While she was walking to her room feeling incredibly depressed, she ran into some university singers harmonizing in the ASU tunnel. Abrupt transitions between pain and beauty are always pretty surreal, and she said the experience was crazy. I don't know why things happen this way, exactly. Maybe because pain is something we are subjected to and beauty is something we choose to make in spite of pain...whatever the reason, the juxtaposition of the two can be mind-boggling. Like when you're on your way home after a mind-numbingly stressful day and you pass a car with little kids in the backseat and they smile and wave like little kids do, and suddenly it becomes harder to remember why you were even upset to begin with. There are many hard things in life, but there are softer things too. And they can make life so good, if you let them.

After my purging frenzy today my bedroom at home looks like an adult's, for the most part. But I still have remnants of my childhood laying around (Shel Silverstein and Ken Follett are hanging out on the same row of my bookshelf) and it's a funny feeling being caught between a woman and a girl.

Living is full of gray areas, but I am learning to embrace them.

I know I have rambled rather a lot this evening. I hope you all will forgive me; I have a lot on my mind. I also have an interview tomorrow for a job so I need to get in bed. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I love all of you :)

A trip back to senior year :) I love this guy.

3:15 AM

Fall into me like

Rain into a cistern

Shine white

Through the prism

Fashioned by your grace

In the quiet I listen

And wait for your mercy

Overwhelm me like

Green whispers

On the first days of spring

I know I’m not who I should be

I’m foolish like a child

And stubborn with

The rage of a tyrant

Fall into me like

Love covers lies

I won’t waste time

Two bare feet on the dashboard.

I feel like I have neglected by blog recently.

I promise I will update soon, but I am so tired of writing after my last exam I don't know if I am capable of forming coherent sentences.

My first day of summer begins tomorrow <3

"Your mouth isn't watering, it's crying for Jimmy John's."

Focus.

It's what I need right now. My mind is wandering all over the place and I know  I have to start working.

But every time I start thinking about what I have to do I panic.

And I think that I can't finish it in time. So to avoid the stress of thinking about what I have to do, I do something else.

Which makes me more stressed. It's a vicious cycle.

I had Jimmy John's yesterday. I love love love love love love Jimmy John's. Their exotic mayonnaise-type dressing/sauce/condiment they so artfully smear on my #12 Beach Club is exquisite.

And the bread oh-so-fluffy.

I do believe they could make a sandwich from wet dog fur and shrimp shells and it would taste delicious.

I can't believe my first year at ASU is almost over. It continually amazes me how much I have grown up since the start of college in fall of 2008.

I want to be in college forever, and it's already halfway over. Part of me actually wants something to go wrong with my class requirements so I have to stay an extra semester or two.

But thats a really expensive wish.

I am going to study-abroad info session on Wednesday. Spain for a semester? :)

I love everything right now. Seriously.

MADONNA INSPIRED GLEE TONIGHT.

It's going to be oh-so-awesome.

Not because I like Madonna.

But because I like Glee. And Mr. Schu and Emma are finally going to discover how much they love one another.

I am going to feel so stressed if they don't.

Nothing else exciting is happening right now. Just studying for exams. And getting a replacement phone since mine fell out of my back pocket into the toilet on Saturday.

Lame. Who else would that happen to?

I love Caroline!

She is the best lady in the whole wide world!

I almost had a heart attack but I am okay now.

Finally finished with our powerpoint presentation for tomorrow! I was done almost an hour ago but I lost the file and thought I was going to have to start all over.

I am so glad I found it! I spent several hours on it and having to start over would have been ridiculously stressful, especially because I needed to make sure my group members would have time to look over it in the morning before our 9:00 lab.

Hallelujah!

This past weekend was wonderful. Lots of sunshine and walking around outside and enjoying the good weather. Court and Kristen and I went up to Price Lake and hiked and then laid out by the water for a while. Court was brave enough to jump all the way in but I only got a little over my waist before I was too numb to keep wading out.

Except for the part where I slipped on the bank and I fell into the lake. It was a true banana peel slip too. And I looked like I had pooped all over my bathing suit bottoms.

Today was a really happy day. I have been in such a creative mood - it's like my brain operates  by photosynthesis or something. All of this sunshine is transforming my brain chlorophyll into glucose and fresh oxygen! C6H12O6 and 6O2!

I love it.

Time to get ready for bed. I have to get up early so I look nice for my presentation! Night :)

This Weekend Is Going To Be A Delectable Treat.

Developing callouses on my hands used to seem gross.

But now it is awesome. They make me feel powerful. Like yeah, that's right. I have mutilated my fingers enough that they are developing INVINCIBILITY. Eat that, climbing wall!

I've also been playing guitar a lot more often too. I am sure my neighbors love me, especially because I keep struggling through the same Michelle Branch song over and over.

But tonight I decided to mix it up a little bit and try to play some Eagles.

Also a struggle. But I will prevail.

I wish I could take lessons this coming fall and I looked up the 1 credit hour courses but they are at times that are impossible to work into my schedule.

This summer would be tricky too because I think I am going to be working a lot.

But some day I will wail mercilessly on the acoustic and send everyone around me into orbit with my sweet jamz.

And then I will climb a smooth 50 story building using nothing but my toes and my pinkies.

Speaking of, who came up with that word? Pinkies? I feel like these digits should have a more dignified title...those things are really useful.

I need to finish the Harry Potter series. I am now on Year 7. It is sooo intenssssse.

There are so many things clamoring for my attention I am simply at a loss for how I am going to complete my school work this weekend.

What's that, Dr. Brewer? You want me to finish the Return of the Native instead of sleeping until noon tomorrow and then hiking a glorious trail off the parkway and bouldering and reading Harry Potter and playing outside in the sun?!?!

I'm sorry, sir. You are really a cool guy, and I think you are a great professor.

But the great outdoors are beckoning me....and I am very weak.

I am planning to succumb.

Crossroads.

Decisions. 

I hate making them. 

I hate the thought of having my life dictated by someone else even more, but sometimes I wish I had someone to tell me what to do.

But every once in a while - for whatever reason - I feel like I get a good kick in the pants and it propels me, for better or for worse, in one direction or another.

Maybe it's the spring weather. Last time this year I had a similar experience at High Point, which culminated in a good cry with Caroline and a long list of resolutions.

Maybe it's just major life changes. I have had my heart pretty well beat up over the past year and a half, and made myself promises I had no right to make and wasn't sure I could keep.

But oh, how much I have learned. They say experience is the best teacher, but I do wish she could be more gentle.

I think my conscious probably resembles my knees after spring break. 

At times I don't even recognize myself. Where did the Jordan who came to ASU just eight short months ago disappear? Did I lose myself? Or am I finding who I really am?

Sometimes I wonder if this rapid rate of change will continue after I graduate from college - it's exhausting, and it makes me kind of sad.

But I am glad, too. I am glad that I am not stagnant and bent about my ways. I am glad I am flexible and understanding and that I try to empathize, or at least sympathize with others. I am glad that even though it's hard sometimes I have to deliberate and that I am indecisive because that means I care enough to hurt so I can get "it".

Whatever "it" is. 

And I am realizing that it's okay to fall in love with myself, with my nuances and my quirks and my double-standards and my imperfections.

And as trite as it sounds, the God of the universe fell enough in love with me to move into the neighborhood and get to know me, so why shouldn't I learn to see what He sees in me?

I think sometimes it is okay to be good to myself and cut myself some slack. I don't expect other people to be perfect, so why do I expect that from myself?

The only person that's stopping me from being happy is me. I have set standards and expectations for who I should be/where I ought to be/what I should be doing that I don't have to have and I don't need to keep.

And since I've gotten another kick in the pants, I'm going to choose where I'm going this time around.

It's going to be good.

I need a good stretch.

I am having such a hard time reading right now.

I am supposed to have the first section of Return of the Native read for tomorrow but it is next to impossible to plow through. I spent an hour on the first 10 pages!

Why can't everything I read be as enjoyable as, say, Harry Potter?

I made a personal goal to actually READ instead of skimming for tomorrow's class because I know that it's important. But this book is so wordy I have to read every paragraph six times before I can figure out what Thomas Hardy is saying!

I could effectively communicate the same things from the first two chapters a couple of sentences. And these sentences would be very, very concise.

Not only is it aggravating that this book is too saturated with detail, I also feel like Thomas Hardy has an incredibly false sense of self-importance (I think this might be my favorite personal insult).

He writes about doom and gloom like it's the happening thing of the 19th century. And that only he and a select few others are perceptive enough to fully embrace the meaning of life.

And maybe he's right. But anyone who has half a brain enough to get through his literary buffoonary falls into the catagory of someone who "gets it". He's insulting the intelligence of his own audience!

This will probably be one of those things where I will rail and gripe about how much I dislike this book, and then I will find out something in class tomorrow that completely changes my mind and I will enjoy the rest of it.

I hope so. That would be ever so lovely. I am terribly bored with my classes at the moment and would like something interesting to work on, for a while at least.

Yesterday was a fun day. I didn't have anything to finish for class today so I climbed with Courtney and practiced guitar for a while in the room. And I wrote a song about my unrequited love for the librarian in Belk.

I laugh every time I read it. Especially when I think about how creepy it is because I still haven't figured out his name.

I am going climbing with Courtney at seven and maybe?? swimming afterwards. I guess it depends on how tired I am and how badly I need to shave. I was going to decide whether or not to go based on the amount of reading I had left for class tomorrow, but that's a no go. I saved myself a lot of time and trouble and looked it up on SparkNotes (God bless them).

Easter break this weekend : ) I'm going to the beach with mom and dad and Remington. And I am going to read the sixth Harry Potter book. I'll have to get it from the library at home because all of the copies that belong to ASU are either checked out or they have been lost (sacrilige!).

Time to head back to the room and get some socks for those nasty, nasty shoes at the SRC. I have to hold my breath while I tie them.

Bye :)

Oh how I dearly love clean sheets.

Just got back to the room and cleaned up a bit. And I changed my sheets. Ecstasy!!

Today was fun. Kerri, Caroline, and Courtney (wow, thats a lot of hard c sounds) and I went to Blowing Rock for ice cream at Kilwin's. Because apparently The Country's Best Yogurt isn't good enough for Kerri. She's got to be all difficult and stuff.

But it's whatever. I got to finish her cone of Mint Chocolate Chip in addition to my cup of Peanut Butter Chocolate Swirl.

What a shame she couldn't eat it all herself.

Court and I went to Goodwill afterwards and found a couple of things. I'm excited to do my laundry so I can wear them!

This evening Logan made dinner for Caroline and me. It was deliciousssss. And then we went to the Black Banjo performance at Legends.

Caroline had to leave early because she has a project due tomorrow, but I had some other friends there so I stay for the whole thing. It lasted four hours! But it was still fun.

I just rested my head against my forearm and my skin smells like a baby...I don't know why...

Maybe it's my biological clock releasing my maternal pheromones and telling me that I am 20 and it's time to reproduce.

I am going to have to get that business reprogrammed. Considerably.

I thought about reading Harry Potter before bed time but I think I might be too sleepy.

I'm still hoping for good hiking weather tomorrow. But who knows at this point - we were supposed to have sun all day today and it lasted maybe an hour.

And then it rained. And it was cold.

Well I'm off to allow my fluffy, sweet-smelling sheets caress me to sleep! Good night :)

Today Was a Good Day :)

I got up and showered this morning, and made sure I looked presentable. 

I made a 93 on my science test. And I went to Cici's with a couple of friends for a Relay for Life benefit. 

I even finished all of my homework before 10 pm. Which is really impressive, considering that I had quite a bit.

And then a guy on my hall helped me finish restringing my guitar, and I watched  a movie with some people on my floor.

I know that's not a whole bunch of impressive, exactly, but it was so good. Really, really, really great, actually. 

It's so nice to start kind of liking myself again. I haven't felt this good about myself since Christmas, I think. Or maybe even the beginning of the school year in August. 

It is kind of shocking, in the best way possible, when people go out of their way to ask me if I want to hang out with them. 

I know I always talk about how badly I feel for people who don't really have much of a self-esteem, and it's a little disconcerting to realize how little I think of myself sometimes. And to realize how unhappy I have been with who I am for quite some time. 

But I think things are changing now. And I am really, really happy about it. Please keep me in your prayers - I know I have a long way to go. 

Black Banjo concert this weekend at Legends and a hike on Saturday.  MAYBE I'll even find the nerve to talk to the librarian who I am sooo infatuated with who doesn't even know I exist. And who doesn't know my name.

It's okay. I don't know his name either. Why, why, why! must I be so awkward around guys I don't know.

Especially when they are attractive.

I feel like the laws of the universe are working against me.

Fail, fail, fail. I love this librarian. 

Time for sleep - class at 9:00.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Late have I loved you, O Beauty, so ancient and so new, late have I loved you! And behold, you were within me, and I was outside, and there I sought for you, and in my deformity I rushed into the well-formed things you have made." -St. Augustine

The rain on my car is a baptism, the new me, Ice Woman, Power Jordan, my assault on the world begins now.

I'm going on an adventure today.


Well actually, it's not really an adventure, per say. I'm just walking to the bank.


But I think it would be more fun if I considered it an adventure, so I will. Yes, yes. I think I will.


I still need to unpack from this weekend, oh loathsome task that is before me. In a rush of spring-time induced frenzy I threw all of my warm weather clothes in a duffel bag and hauled them to Boone yesterday evening.


I have yet to unpack a single item of clothing. Except for the pants I am wearing today.


We are expecting snow tonight. I don't think I will be needing them any time that is soon-ish.


Ah well, if nothing else I will use them for decorations. My room will be festooned in swaths of electric color.


Perhaps if I dress for spring it will encourage the season to change more quickly. Or I could just be really cold all of the time.


I think perhaps I will buy some coffee on my walk to the bank this afternoon. Yes, yes. I think I will.


I am finalizing my schedule today for next semester, and I am feeling excited about my course selection. I didn't realize they granted honors students with priority registration, but they do. Not a single one of the classes I would like to take has more than one student already registered.


Hallelujah! No more fancy-schedule hopping for me.


Almost time for class and I need to run by the post office.


Bye.

I don't care if you are Saint Patrick himself, my body is off limits and if you try to pinch me I will be horribly displeased and will not be held responsible for the violence that will ensue.

Okay, so I know I said I didn't have anything to blog about approximately 15 minutes ago. But then I received an email from YL saying that we should be sure to wear green tonight in honor of Saint Patrick's day.

I hate. Hate. HATE. This holiday.

I have like, seven green things I could wear, because green is one of my favorite colors. But all of them are dirty because I like, do something weird where I wear the clothes I like more than the clothes I don't like.

So all of my green clothes, with the exception of an enormous wool sweater, are dirty.

It costs $5 for me to do laundry. I am not spending $5 on a half load of clothes just to appease some fanatical Irishmen, okay?

This is not Ireland. This is America.

Saint Patrick's Day is not American.

Don't pinch me.

There is nothing worse than being pinched. I don't care what you say.

I would rather have my fingernails pulled out one at a time than have someone pinch me.

I wish I could explain to you the surge of hatred and the adrenaline rush I feel when someone's fingers close over my skin in this specific way.

The rage I feel is somewhat akin to how a mother bear feels when you approach her cubs.

It makes me want to take someone's head off.

If you see me today and you pinch me, I will not be speaking to you for the next week.

So if you don't want to talk to me I guess pinching would be a good idea.

Anyway, I have to go straighten my hair.

Oh, also...I just blow dried my hair and now my room looks smokey? I feel like this is not a normal part of the blow drying process.

Hmmmm....

Okay bye.

I have a towel on my head.

I feel like I should have something to blog about.

Like my trip last week, for instance.

Normally I really enjoy sitting down and writing and I know my devoted followers (ie Grandma and Mom) are anxiously awaiting a new entry that will both fascinate and delight them.

I don't really have anything to say?

I know that sounds weird because so much has happened over spring break. I guess it just feels like there is so much to say I don't have anything to talk about.

Maybe later tonight.

I have YoungLife at 8:30. We'll see what happens.

John Mayer is Everything I Could Hope For From a Celebrity of Superior Intelligence and More and I Adore Him.

I just returned from the most amazing concert of my EXISTENCE.

I have loved John Mayer since I was in 6th/7th grade. And now he enraptures me.

I just want to meet him and tell him that his lyrical genius speaks to my soul and that I find his slightly too-excessive guitar solos to be mesmerizing and worthy of the title of a "spiritual experience".

And to tell him that even though he speaks his mind too much while in the public eye, his candid approach to life and his wise soul inspire me.

So do his biceps and his perfectly coiffed hair.

But whatever. Those are but secondary to the depth and height of my respect and enjoyment of his musical talent.

I love him.

I think I may have screamed how much I loved him at least 20 times during the concert. Like...maybe after every song.

I don't know. Ask Courtney.

I'm going to write him a letter detailing the extent of my affections for him.

In my fantasy world my letter will magically bypass the pile of fan mail that John Mayer himself never actually reads and he will wake up one morning to find it on his pillow and he will open it and read it and realize that my admiration is so flattering that he would like to meet me in person.

And he will send his personal plane to pick me up and we will meet in his villa in some exotic location with his extensive Rolex watch collection and his John Coltrane records.

And we will share a meal and form an everlasting connection that he will be unable to forget and when we gaze into one another's eyes in a platonic sort of manner (because he is too old for me) he will realize that I am someone he has been waiting to meet. And that I, too, inspire him.

And our collective admiration and respect for one another will blossom into a cloud over our heads and precipitate happiness down and around our souls and saturate our hair. His perfect, perfect hair.

And he will ask me to write song lyrics for him. And I will blush humbly and acquiesce and dino my way back to North Carolina feeling like that girl who turned sixteen today that got a kiss from him on the cheek during the concert.

That would be ever so lovely.

I like my imagination because it allows to me envision myself as a much, much cooler version of who I'd like to be, rather than who I really am. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

It is now 2:00 am and entirely too late for me to recount my spring break saga. Which was a delectable treat.

Class at 9:00. I am still wiped out from my adventure through the wilderness of backwoods Virginia during the wee hours of yesterday morning.

Time for sleep before I pass out in my desk chair. I just HAD to tell someone how incredibawelicious John Mayer was this evening.

AGKAFKLAJDLAKSDJASKLFADGJHAFJAHDFAJSFHASJHDSJASJKLASFAS.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

p.s. I am being serious about my letter. I don't even care if he ever reads it. I must do what I can to express my devotion and I will act in accordance to this demand.

Good Night.

Home. Red. App.

Sometimes I love my life. Like this past weekend, for instance.

Top Five Reasons Why Yesterday Was Awesome:

1.  I watched Hoodwinked with the Lobachs and Remington this afternoon.
2.  I took a bath and my shower gel smells like raspberries. Which means I smell like raspberries. Which means I smell amazing and I keep sniffing its amazingness.
3. I ate mashed potatoes and nachos with cheese for dinner. This fact alone is enough to make an evening great.
4. My cousin called me and we are planning on saving America together. I love his incessantly pessimistic optimism about our future, especially because he has included me in his plans for global domination.
5. I found a bunch of old CDs from high school while I was looking for blank discs to make a mix for the car ride with Court today. The CDs I found totally make up for not having any empty ones left. We are going to have such a sweet jam sesh on the way to Kentucky.

And I ended the evening with some Vonnegut and a good conversation. What a good day!

Top Five Reasons Today Is Awesome As Well:

1. I went to the dentist. I have never understood why people hate the dentist. I love having really clean teeth. I can almost feel them sparkling.
2. My grandma made Remington and me orange rolls this morning. Seriously, how cool is my grandma? She voluntarily came over here at 6:45 to make us breakfast. Who does that??
3. Courtney and I are eating lunch with my grandma before we leave. That’s right, two meals in one day. And lunch is chicken salad sandwiches or some such deliciousness. I don’t think very many people know about what a great grandma I have. I am naming my firstborn after her. Legit.
4. Court and I are road-tripping to Kentucky tonight to climb at Red River Gorge for the next couple of days. And by climb I mean Court will scale the wall like a monkey and I will struggle to boulder. But it’s whatever. Being outside after all this horrendous weather is going to be such a blessing!
5. Which brings me to point number five. I am sleeping in a sleeping bag in a hammock tonight under some beautiful stars (hopefully!), avoiding the shower for a couple of days and eating cereal with powdered milk until we go back to school on Sunday.Which is not something I am used to and feels a little crazy but I am so pumped to have an adventure! This spring break is going to be so awesome :)

Okay well Courtney should be here any minute now so I'd better sign off and make sure I am waiting!

Have a lovely week!

Bad Habit #1

I stay up too late.

I did this last year when I was at High Point for a while. But it was a lot worse - I'd stay up til 4:00 and then have to nap for three hours every day.

I haven't gotten to that point yet this semester. But it's becoming progressively closer.

I need to take more demanding classes next year. I am bored out of my mind. Maybe I will take extra hours?

More than anything I just really wish I would get an RA position. Or I want someone to shove some responsibility in my face - I need to feel needed.

I am also in desperate need of a summer job that pays well but will still allow me to take two weeks off to work at Duke Youth Academy. It feels like I am running out of time.

Spring Break in two days. The mere sound of those words causes a bubble of elation to expand so rapidly in my chest that I think I could float away.

Sometimes life makes me feel like a total failure. I'm so glad God's grace doesn't depend on where I spend my summer or how much college debt I graduate with or whether or not I can live off campus or if I feel really confused about who I am supposed to be.

He is good, He is good, He is good.

Blog 2Print

So apparently you can turn your blog into a book now. And you can even pick between hard and soft cover and for as little only $14.95.

The only thing more indicative of self-infatuation than having a blog is turning your blog into a book. And it's a little disgusting.

Coffee table collection?

I will freely admit that I am self-infatuated. Not in the sense that I am obsessed with myself because I think I am super awesome, but because I am lost inside my head most of the time. And this relationship I have with my mind is a love/hate experience; I love figuring things out and sorting through thoughts and feelings but I hate the way it can feel like I'm caught in a vortex with no outlet for escape.

Except writing. Writing is always an escape.

It's time for a nap. I am pretty exhausted after staying up all night.

An Acrostic Poem About Procrastination

Pickle beets
rig a teepee
obstruct doorways
crack nuts
recycle
attain enlightenment
solve world hunger
tip a cow
invent new board games
note attractive men
apply lotion
tease my hair
invent the wheel
organize my paper clips
nibble some cheese

There are so many better things to do right now than read Frankenstein and write a poem in Spanish about Friendship Day.

Like a Broken Cup.

So this whole twenty thing is weird.

I guess Caroline turning twenty kind of made me realize that I am twenty. And when you are twenty you are expected to act like an adult and you're treated like an adult and you have to make adult decisions.

And it's almost 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep and I have to fix it myself. I'd want to be five instead of twenty and be allowed to go sleep in my parents room.

But I'm not five and and I'm away at school and all I have is a computer and a room mate who is snoozing peacefully. And a head full of questions and confusion and an awful lot of regrettable things.

I went to Chapel Hill this weekend and it was so weird. I had always imagined it being a different sort of place than it was. I kind of wonder if I didn't make a mistake when I decided where to go to college.

Obviously High Point was a mistake. What if I had gone to UNC before I made my commitment to HPU? Or what if I had transferred there instead of Appalachian? Would I be any happier or any less confused?

Maybe. So much of what I have experienced these past two years that has made me who I am would have never happened. But I don't even really know who that is so does it matter?

I don't like having my identity tied to other people. And I think that has really been a theme over the course of my college career thus far. High school too, I guess. But who are we if we are not conglomerations of one another?

Do I really exist as a separate entity? Sometimes I don't feel like I do. I feel like I am just pieces of other people all jumbled up and  who I am rests on who they percieve this jumbled up mess to be.

Until it's 5:35 in the morning and I am up blogging on the internet with no one to talk to feeling so alone that it stings a little and there's no one here to remind me of who I am.

My room mate is so funny when she just wakes up. She just got out of bed to go to the restroom. I think the light of my computer threw her off a little because she stumbled over to my bed and squinted at me and said, "Hey, how are ya?" before she stumbled into the hallway.

Sometimes in the morning when she hasn't quite woken up yet she will make eye contact with me and glare a bit. It can get a little disconcerting when she scowls too. Especially if she lets out a really deep sigh.

Homerow keys are really hard to see in the dark.

I need to try to go back to sleep. I am going to church and I have to get up in three hours.

Wish me luck.

Yeah, that's right. I have been Caroline's best friend for 1/4 of her life.

Court made cookies last night and we sang Happy Birthday to Caroline at midnight.

She is my favorite best friend in the entire world!

Spontaneous trip to Chapel Hill for the evening and coming back tomorrow night in time for Carol's birthday party at six. It will be so good to get out of this  nasty, nasty weather. And see friends.

I need to go to Coltrane and pick up my replacement phone. It's finally here! 

Time to leave. It's almost one.

Disappointment.

Disappointment is an awful feeling.

Like really, really, really awful.

I have felt so much of it the last couple of weeks and I don't like it because I hate self-pity and I don't like thinking about myself all of the time.

I think about being someone who experiences disappointment on a daily basis and I can see why its so easy to slip into bad habits and relationships and make poor decisions. Especially if you feel this way all of the time, and especially if you don't believe in anything bigger.

I like learning about other people and how they feel but I like textbooks better than life-lessons. But you know what they say about experience being the best teacher.

I think my blog entries for the past week have all been kind of depressing and I'm sorry. I don't want to be a downer.

I am debating whether or not to go climbing after class today. I have an interview for Appolcorps at 6:45 and I am going to Younglife at 8:30 so I know I can't go to tonight. But if I go this afternoon I think I might be by myself. And when you are by yourself and look like an idiot it's more embarrassing than looking like an idiot with someone else.

But I need some stress relief and I don't really feel like running today.

So maybe I'll climb. Or at least take a change of clothes to class in case I decide that's what I want to do.

Courtney helped me find some really really discounted climbing shoes online and Dad is going to help me get them. I am so so so excited for spring break. It will be super nice to get away for a while and chill out.

I need to clean my room. It has gotten pretty messy since I came back Sunday evening.

Leaving for class early so I can get a snack. And maybe be on time for once to this class I so desperately hate.

Make me work.

I am so lazy.

I have been sitting on my bed for two hours playing on the computer and looking at climbing shoes and avoiding doing an extensive amount of homework.

It is almost midnight and I still have a response paper to write and I need to study for my Spanish quiz and read for two classes! Ah!!

And I need to shower at some point because my feet smell like the climbing shoes at the SRC. And we all know how I feel about getting germs on my sheets.

Speaking of climbing, I have NO upper body strength. Like zero. None. But hopefully that will improve over the next couple of weeks.

I'm also hungry. I think I'll have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Caroline's birthday is this week! It's going to be sooooo much fuuun!!!

Okay I seriously have to do some work now.

Sedative needed.

Just returned from lab and I am already back in my pajama pants. I know it is almost 11 am on a Tuesday but please don't judge me. I have several points to legitimize this decision.

1. I haven't made my bed and I don't like wearing street clothes when I sit on the sheets. I don't know why but I feel like my butt is some sort of germ magnet and loads of snot from sneezing classmates and and grimy hands and whatnot are covering my jeans after class. I do not want these on or near my face.

2. I am seriously contemplating a nap. Billy and Kristin avoided doing their homework until 3:00 am in my room this morning and my lack of sleep is catching up with me.

3. The pants that Caroline gave me for my 19th birthday are clean. And they are super fluffy and loose and comfortable and I like them. Sadly, I have finally reached the age where I feel like it is no longer appropriate for me to wear pajama pants to class, so their use is restricted to my room.

Transition:

I have run across a problem.

And my problem is that there are too many problems for me to fix. How am I supposed to simultaneously prevent the extinction of the Orangutan while also conserving energy and water and feeding hungry people and fighting poverty and taking care of the environment and working to improve the image of the Church and eating healthy food and buying clothes that don't exploit children and making good grades and making good friends and forming a relationship with a potential future spouse and reading and becoming politically aware and bridging societal barriers and finding time to exercise and enjoy life at least a little bit?

And what about all the little stuff, like making sure I shower occasionally and listen to music and wash my clothes and hammock and have dance parties and clean the microwave and put lotion on my skin so I don't look like an alligator?

And what about blogging? And the nap I'd really like to take?

What about contemplating my existence? And the existence of everyone else?

And what about the existence of the Universe? And what about God and stuff?

I don't like feeling like there are more people who don't care than more people who do care. Especially in college, where a lot of people are well informed enough to know there are bad things going on but too self-absorbed to do anything about them.

But there are lots of wonderful, caring, responsible people out there too. Why can't all of them come out of hiding?!

Yeah okay I am going to take that nap now. I need to sleep off some frustration.

Hunger.

I need to eat something but finding the motivation to get up and make something and then wash dishes is difficult.

I haven't had any real food since Saturday afternoon.

But I have had like six muffins. And two packages of cookies. And some White Cheddar Cheezits. So I'm not starving, exactly. But I am pretty hungry.

I wonder what it would feel like to be hungry all of the time? I know a lot of people are. Is the same kind of hunger pain I feel the same kind of hunger pain they feel?

That might sound like a dumb question, but I really do wonder about the answer. I could fast for a few days but the whole time I would know I had the option of eating whenever I wanted to.

So is the physical manifestation of voluntary hunger the same as involuntary? Or does the psychology behind knowing you don't have anything to eat make a difference? I don't know.

Part of me is glad about this and part of me is bothered. I'm really fortunate because I have never had to worry about whether or not I would be able to eat.

But even if its hard sometimes I really do want to be able to identify with where other people hurt. And being hungry isn't something I feel I can fully understand because I always have access to food.

But this is definitely a glass-half-full situation.

Last semester I read a book about the Lost Boys of Sudan in my First Year Seminar class. And about how they starved across the desert, and so many of them died.

Sometimes when I am in the cafeteria at ASU I imagine that I am one of them and try to feel what they would feel if they saw all of the food we have. And not just that we have enough, but that we are allowed to be selective.

It's really overwhelming and I think I am being naive. I don't want to make hungry people into "others". They are, after all, still as human as I am. And we share a lot in common. They are just hungry. And probably scared.

But I get scared too, of different things. And I think each of these things we are afraid of carry their own pain. Is this even making sense right now? Am I rambling? I think I am, a bit.

Probably a lot, actually.

Anyway, the point is. I want to open myself and soak everything in and even if I never experience everything because I can't I want to know it and feel it and appreciate hunger and thirst and want and plenty and love.

It's almost time for class.

I think I need to eat a sandwich.

Orange-Mocha Frappacinos!

I think we might have a new dog at home.

A stray showed up at our house last night around 10. I found her outside on the porch when I went to get my laundry hamper out of the car. She's a really pretty Husky with bright blue eyes and probably one of the sweetest dogs in the world.

Please just look at her and try to tell me that she is not one of the cutest dogs you have ever seen.

I want, want, want to keep her.

In my room at school.

But I can't, so I will settle for having her back at home. Dad is calling the shelter tomorrow to see if anyone is looking for her. I need to come up with a name for her before my brother does. I named the cat I rescued over the summer Mr. Darcy after the guy in Pride and Prejudice, but when I came home for fall break I found out that he had been renamed Rex. For Catasaurus Rex, that is. 

This dog is too pretty to become an object of ridicule so I must come to her aid.

Poor Rex. I am afraid it's too late for him.

I want to name her Hermione but I think my brother is going to veto this because he doesn't love Harry Potter. I just called mom to tell her that she had to implement this decision immediately and was informed by my father that they were asleep when I called.

Oops. I didn't realize it was after ten.

But mom said they hadn't decided yet...so WIN.

I went on a glorious hike this weekend in Pisgah Forest while I was home. And then had Mexican. And last night I watched Say Anything (I think I am a little in love with Lloyd Dobler now)  and Zoolander with Remington.

And mom made me  hazelnut coffee AND muffins. She is awesome.

I had a nice drive with dad this weekend too. He is  also equally cool.

Hopefully Rem is going to come up and ski with me soon. I am going snowboarding this week at some point if it works out. And rock-climbing at the SRC for sure.

I need to start reading for my Lit. class tomorrow.

Life is good.